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Devious Video Recap: Denver vs. Fairfield

5 - Published April 26, 2010 by in College, NCAA

DIG IT!

It’s always something.

My DVR is glitched out.  Trust me when I say there is nothing more annoying than a glitchy DVR.  And we’re not talking about unwatchable – oh no.  Then I’d have an excuse for doing another game.  We’re talking fine for two minutes (or a one minute thirty-nine seconds to be exact) and then a blipvert. And then echoed audio.  Add to this my unfamiliarity with both of these teams and you have a recipe for disaster.

Let’s get in the kitchen, shall we?

There is a silver lining to this dirty pillow: Quint Kessenich is calling the game.

Oh my god. Chik-fil-a makes a peach milkshake?  That’s got to be the most revolting concept that I’ve ever heard of.  People pay money for that?  There’s a reason that there is no peach ice cream – it’s a fruit with hair on it!  I’d rather eat feet flavoured sherbet than a Peach flavoured anything.

You disgust me.

Dude, I’m not going to make it through this.  The skips are so jarring…the ball looks like it’s travelling through a wormhole every time it’s passed.  Focus.  Breathe.

Wow, Fairfield actually took a shot before all of their middie’s switched.  Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.  The Denver D-man definitely slipped, but hey he’s a defenseman, now he has an excuse for the film session.

The Stags snag another face-off win and keep possession this time before trying to catch the UD…D off balance with an immediate dodger from the switch.

The stags are in a rotating 2-3-1, aka: the double triangle.  Except the man behind the cage is sneaking from X for a dump.  He’s not going nearside he’s just sort of chilling on GLE.  Hurm.  Now it’s an inverted 1-4-1.  It looks like everyone is travelling through time on the screen…

It’s been five whole minutes already.  Three shots.  Every possession, Fairfield is pulling a guy out to iso and then NOT dodging.  It works now, they lull the D to sleep and that John Snellman realizes his purpose and hits a jumping rip off of a nice pick.

Quint yelled “Doink!” when the ball hit the pipe on Snellman’s shot by the way.  I giggled.  I’m really just a 12-year-old with facial hair, you know.

This is not the Fairfield team that I was warned about, what with their slow down offense and some such whatnot.

Whoever is running Denver’s box should be shot.  I’m not a big fan of pulling the defenseman for the midfielder and then sending said midfielder over the centerline sub technique.  Mostly because I’ve never coached kids astute enough to grasp the concept.  Fairfield has had three separate jumps that could have been easy alley shots if the players weren’t trying to get that perfect look or shot for a goal.  Instead, Fairfield uses the chaos and targets the most uninspired pole on the field.  No one wants to see the laziest pole on the field, but hey we are talking #18 and #17 respectively – there’s no buffet here.

(That was a stripper joke.  I’m sorry.)

A wide open crease look after the midfield scramble and the Stags are up by three.  Great look, very patient.  I think I’m becoming a Fairfield fan.

Can someone tell me what the Sector Spiders company is?  Who puts a Spider in their company name?  No one likes spiders.  I put fake spiders in my goalie’s locker the other day and he fainted.  Somehow, I don’t think he will ever be utilizing this company’s services.  Whatever they are.

The Fairfield goalie Joe Marra just stepped in and out of the crease.  No call because the ref was on the other side of the field.  Are there any NCAA refs that don’t look like striped bags of chubbly?  I feel like I’m watching a sideways prison movie.

Sir, what is the call, sir? You have to explain the call to me! That's your job! I can't WAIT to file the report on this game...

Wow, Denver has the ball.  Only took them eight minutes.  Fairfield’s defense is rotating like crazy and it leads to a nice goal from Andrew Lay.

Why are Denver’s helmets and gloves white?  Has Denver EVER worn white before this year?  Why would you not rock a gold helmet with these unis?  How about gold gloves?  I LOVE GOOOOLLLDDD!!!

Meanwhile, Fairfield has no decals on their helmets.  Nickelback is playing in the background in the huddle.  Telling.  Very telling.

HAHAHAHA, they’re listing Notre Dame as a quality win!  HAHHAHAHAHA! Wow. Fire that guy, ESPNU because he is FRADULENT.

Mistakes are piling up for Fairfield…

Quint is telling his co-host that the NCAA lacrosse tournament is like the NCAA basketball tournament.

A guy from Texas passed to a guy from Minnesota for a Denver goal.  Is this real life?

Quint, the reason kids don’t play lacrosse is because soccer is a spring sport down there and takes the rest of the fringe athletes away from lacrosse.  I’m here for you, buddy.

This game is so average that Shia Lebeouf is starring in the movie adaptation.

Stop Smiling. You ruined Indiana Jones. Forever.

Denver just put three guys behind the cage for some reason.  That was interesting.

Great, now they’re talking about the Army Navy game from last week that I missed the last play in last week’s column.  Dude who commented – I’m sorry I did no see the last 2 minutes.  The DVR shuts off at the hour mark.  I should have sought out video evidence more diligently. My apologies

Fairfield gets a seriously snaky goal on the crease from Sam Snow.  He’s from Seattle.  What is happening with these non-traditional areas?  Should I be making jokes about these kids or just letting it go?  I mean, I’m from NH and I’m commenting on the game, right?  And you’re reading it right?  Where the hell are you from?  Hey, WAIT a minute – this is like the only NCAA column on this whole site?  Have you guys seen this?  What the French, toast?

This isn’t where I parked my car.

Oh dear lord, Matt Striebel is in the booth.  He sounds…like a guy that went to Princeton.  I…I’ve got nothing.  Touche, salesman.

The score may be 4-2 but that was seriously the LONGEST quarter I’ve watched since Towson/Loyola.  On cue – the sloppiness begins.  Dropped balls and errant passes are the order of the second quarter.

Striebel is giving great answers to the questions, but isn’t punctuating his sentences with periods – it’s like he’s speaking with an eternal unspoken comma at the end of every thought.  Like some sort of swami.  I’m beginning to regret all of those MLL columns that I wrote last summer about his poor shooting percentage…

I SAID I'M SORRY.

Eamon McEneany has been relegated to the sidelines for this game.  Interesting.  Did he forget to slouch next to Q on camera?

Fairfield got a shot off.  Sweet.

Denver is man up after a vicious slash on the crease defending the crease.  2-3-1 set up, slow counter clockwise rotation….and a hidden ball trick…thrown away.  The set finally rotates and a crease violation is the result.  That is just so bad.  A crease violation on man up?

The suck is matched by Denver throwing the ball away in it’s own half on an UNGUARDED far side clear.

Denver’s John Dickenson scores off of a quick invert sweep.  I watched the Dickenson twins play at Highland Park when I lived in Texas.  They were fast then; they’re faster now.

Yes, Quint, there IS a place for the short guy in lacrosse.  We are proof of this, my vertically challenged brother.

The Stag’s Sam Snow notches his hat trick with yet another backdoor finish off of a nice roll.  His defenseman was way too high on him and had a seriously poor angle.  Denver has been relying on its team D to make stops this entire half, but their individual effort is very suspect.

Timeout, Pioneers.  Does Denver have a logo?  Is it a dude in a covered wagon with crazy eyes and a cowboy hat?  Is it Steve Jobs?

Fairfield Head Coach Andrew Copelan sounds like a huskier voiced Dennis Leary, but Looks like the Probie from Rescue Me.

Fairfield's Andrew Copelan...when he coached at Maryland.

Mike Lombardi, the Probie from "Rescue Me". Clearly Copelan's doppelganger.

It’s official; I’ve never seen so many dropped passes in a division one game.

I hate this picking on ball crap that teams are doing now.  It’s not box.  Pick off ball.  Open up lanes for the cutters.  Create your angles with space.  Don’t rely on someone else to give you a lane by standing in the way.  It’s just so unimaginative.

Fairfield’s goalie loses his mind and tries to stick check Alex Demopoulos sneaking from X.  Guess what happens?  Goal.  You might want to stay in the net when the other teams LEADING SCORER is driving at the cage.  5-4 Fairfield, defensive mistakes are leading to junky goals.

Wow. Mark Matthews pulls a Guy LaFleur and takes the ball form X and sticks a backhand lefty shot.  That’s a move you pull off in summer ball when you know the other guy is gassed and the slide just isn’t coming.  Tie game. Dialing down my cynicism for a few minutes.  Let’s see if this fracas develops into a lacrosse game.

Fairfield’s short stick defenders are beating the crap out of Denver’s offense.  They really don’t care if they’re guarding an attackman or a midfielder they are just throwing bodies and pipe every where, but the second slide has been absent for them all day and unfortunately it’s resulted in every Denver goal so far.

Quint’s fun stat that I’m stealing: Zero fast breaks in this game.

Fairfield’s Max Trunz gets an easy run at cage left-handed and rips top cheese unmolested.  No slide whatsoever.  Ugh.  Bad offense I can stomach, but bad defense?  No fast breaks?  No Beninati?  Forget it.

Oh wow, a glorious invert goal from Brent Adams of Fairfield as he takes his defender high side and just picks the inside corner on DU’s keeper, Peter Lowell.  NO SLIDE from Denver.  Again. It’s just so frustrating to see a guy get taken behind the cage by about 15 yards and not see a single defenseman move when he begins to dodge.  I think Tierney just ate his hat.

There’s a minute left…for the love of god GO TO CAGE!  Please?

Thank you Pioneer Patrick Rogers for listening.  Marra keeps coming off his line and getting murdered by doorstep shots.  He’s like the Fredo of goalkeeping right now.

It’s a one-goal game, and my DVR is still skipping every 99 seconds.  Trying to watch this game is like tapping tacks into my body with a toy hammer.  Every 99 seconds.

Oh, Copeland doesn’t sound like Dennis Leary – he sounds like Randy “Macho Man” Savage!  OOOHH YEEEEAAHHH, BROTHERRRR!  I wish my coach sounded like Randy Savage.  How do you say no to that guy when he tries to recruit you?

(rubbing his elbow) "Ten thousand years as Intercontinental Champion, Oooooh yeeeah!"

“YEAAHH, BOYEEE WE REALLY LIKE YOUR STYYYYLE, MAN.  YOU GOT REEEAALLL PO-TEN-TI-AL MAAANNN.  FAIRFIELD WANTS YOUUUU, BROTHERRR!”

Quint is shilling for the ESPNU lacrosse podcast; mulling over ideas for guests during the telecast.  Hey.  Q.  Hit me up.  Seriously – I have references.

Oh lord.  What a great goal for Denver.  Charlie Dickenson gets smashed from behind, but still manages to hit Colin Scott behind the cage with no defender on him for a tap in to tie it at 7’s.  Wow.  Serious question for the comments box: Am I Bi-Polar or is this game Bi-Polar?

Fairfield takes the lead off of an iso from Ryan Mulford inside his hopeless defender.  Honestly, this is like one really long 1 on 1 drill disguised as a game. No transition. No slides.  Just a guy with a ball, a guy without a ball and a goalie.

Another unassisted one-on-one goal, but this one is from Patrick Rogers of Denver, who previously saved my sanity by going to cage.  He goes to the cooker one more time with a beautiful hitch into a roll.  Sneaky Canadians…

Denver goes man up and Mark Matthews throws the best face dodge I have seen all year to notch his hat trick and game winner for the Pioneers with just less than four minutes left in the game.

Fairfield mounted a valiant comeback, but…nah, just kidding my DVR shut off again.

So – here’s a Macho Man video to make up for it?  Enjoy?

Nobody messes with the Hitman, the Hart foundation…OR THE DEVIOUS VIDEO RECAP!

The Devious Video Recap is brought to you every week by the fine folks at Proathletics.com. Proathletics.com: if they were a pro wrestler, they would be The Ultimate Warrior.

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About the author: Kyle Devitte has written for The Boston Cannons, LaxUnited, The MLL, Inside Lacrosse, LaxNation and the New England Lacrosse Journal. He is currently head coach of the Daniel Webster College men’s lacrosse team.

Read all his Devious Video Recaps and relive the best NCAA lacrosse action from 2010.

Want to contribute to Lax All Stars? Drop us a line at info@lacrosseallstars.com.

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