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Devious Video Recap: Navy vs. Army

3 - Published April 20, 2010 by in College, NCAA

Hi. You're dead.

I would like to begin by thanking all of our troops for their service to this great country.  My best friend is a marine, my father was in the Army and I know one of the attackmen on the Navy team (sort of).

Despite my leftist leanings, I am a huge fan of our military and all of it’s assorted branches.  Except the Coast Guard.  If you’re dumb enough to get on a boat then you deserve to be lost forever.

Watch the trailer for the movie “Triangle” (then go rent/netflix the movie) and tell me I’m wrong:

I haven’t seen Navy or Army play this year, but judging by their records heading into this game, that’s probably for the best.

So, when is this game on?  All I see is a college football scrimmage.  Is that REALLY taking precedence over Division one lacrosse on ESPNU?  How many Auburn football fans are there?

This is SCRIMMAGE, people.  In other words:

A messy start to this game yields a goal from an invert from Jeremy Boltus.  Very poor switch by the Navy defense opens the game.

Ominous?  Perhaps.  But not nearly as ominous as the giant black bars on the side of my screen.  I’m squinting to figure out the difference between the teams because Navy is wearing light gold unis and navy blue helmets and Army is wearing light silver unis and black helmets.  It could be worse; they could both be wearing white helmets. Like everyone else in the country.

Army running an outlaw offense with a pick and pick away behind the cage looking to create chances with rolls and runs.  I guess it’s better than a 1-4-1.

Kyle Kapron is on the field. I don’t want to bow up the kid’s spot, but he was a moderator on a certain website that I am also a moderator on, and

I mean, uh, Kyle and I killed a bear with a stick once.

Anyway, Kyle is working his defender at X and looking to go to cage.  Very Aahhg-rrreeesssssiivvvve, Kyle.  I hope to see good things from him in this game.

Teddy KGB is pissed that you haven't seen "Rounders" and didn't get Kyle's joke.

Army hasn’t gotten any new personnel on the field for about six minutes now.  Navy has yet to take advantage of the match up, though and is settling for middling shot out of their 2-3-1 set.

Navy is sweeping from the top when they can’t get their match up behind and is shooting at will, but they have yet to cash in on their efforts.  However, they do cash in on a dubious penalty and go man up.

Kyle Kapron scores on man up from a fairly crazy angle to tie the game.  Standard Umbrella set up results in the man up goal.

Almost immediately afterwards, Navy gets another marker from Nikk Davis, who just took his man down the alley and hit a serious mid cheese shot on the run.  Who says shooting on the run is dead?  Who? 2-1, Mids.

After some sloppy clearing and sloppy offense the quarter ends.  So far, this has been fairly anti-climactic.  I really don’t want to inject all the excitement here, boys.  The people came to read about the game.

Yeah, you’re right.  Just score more than 10 goals so I don’t have to make [as many] inappropriate jokes.

Navy is showing some serious rotation on defense to start the second period.  Cross-field slides and staying with their guys and the beaten middie is rolling back to the hole.  But it can’t last forever, Tyler Seymour makes them pay for switching too much and slide back door from X it hit the shot.

The defense is actually quite fun to watch.  It looks like utter chaos, but if everyone is hitting their slides it could be quite formidable.  It needs a name though.  I SHALL CALL HIM EDUARDO! (Navy’s defense will now be referred to as EDUARDO for the rest of this column.)

I SHALL CALL NAVY'S DEFENSE - EDUARDO!

Army snags the lead with a truly beautiful low to high shot off of an ill-advised double down low.  Tyler Oates is the beneficiary of what is referred to as a “Kayak cradle” from Jack Emmer.

I haven’t heard Emmer call a game before, but he has used some seriously wacky terms so far.  I like it?

There is a lot of crosschecking going on in this game.  It’s not being called, but it’s happening.

Navy is in a full mambo now with 2 behind and 4 up top.  The mambo only works when your top four guys can make believable cuts to cage and pull the defense out so they can’t slide so easily to the drive from X.  Or the defense you are playing against has late slides and bad 1 on 1 defenders.

I can’t decide which one of those aspects leads to Ryan O’Leary’s goal, but he does manage to score on a diving shot from GLE to tie the game at 3 a piece.

Apparently, O’Leary scored on a “Pseudosplitfacedodge” according to Jack Emmer.  I still like his commentary?

This game is so slow that they are showing a graphic of Emmer as the coach of Army instead of the game.

Emmer names Johnny Walker as the best player he has ever coached.  That would have been my guess. Johnny Walker is certainly the best player I’ve ever coached.  Smooth.  Powerful.  Just 40 bucks a bot – Oh, he means the ATTACKMAN Johnny Walker.  I thought he was talking about something…else.

Jeremy Boltus scores off of a fairly accessible shot.  Ugh.  This Navy goalie hasn’t saved anything stick side high all day.

It’s funny, some goalies make their careers off of stick side high saves (re: Michael Gvozden, Kip Turner, Brian Carcaterra) and they’re world-beaters until someone figures them out.  Then you have Navy’s RJ Wickham.  Who has already been figured out.

KIP TURNER! YAY! KIP!

Army runs the good old endline-out-of-bounds-bounce-it-off-of-the-defenseman’s-stick play and gets an easy goal made to look spectacular by Garret Thul going behind the back.

You cannot leave a guy that is 6’ 4’’ open on the FRONT of the crease.  DAMN YOU, EDUARDO!

Look.  I don’t play goalie.  But I do play attack and when the goalie comes out it is my job to annihilate him so he doesn’t come out again.  It is NOT the goalies job to draw a slash.  You come out of the cage and I am checking your arm.

Just because you’re not wearing arm pads doesn’t mean it’s a slash when I pummel your arms.  Wear arm guards.  You’re not special.  You’re a goalie.

Navy wastes a man up to end the half.  Awesome.

Jamie Munroe looks like George Bush.  Dude.  Don’t wear the power tie with the black suit and a white shirt.  You’re not Don Draper.

The Chesapeake Bayhawks have a commercial on ESPNU.  I’d be speechless if I didn’t know that I was watching “Day of Rivals SPONSORED BY SMARTLINK”.  (Smartlink “owns” the Bayhawks.  I’ve said too much.  Hey, look there goes my MLL column this summer.)

Why isn’t Army’s coach wearing a digital camouflage boonie hat instead of a digital camouflage baseball cap?  You coach at ARMY.  Be all you can be, even on the sidelines.

You can only wear this if you are devoid of mercy. Or fought in 'Nam.

Navy is offside.  These guys are killing themselves today.  It’s fairly clear that Navy has a superior offense, but EDUARDO can’t seem to stop the cheapies from slipping through.

RJ Wickham Nabokov’s a wide open time and room shot to get Navy their first settled possession of the second half. Apparently, that was Wickham’s third save.  I cannot recall the previous two, but hey I’m just watching the game.  Jack’s in the booth and has better quips than I do at the moment.

Kevin Doyle beats Palesky down the alley for Navy.  That alley dodge has now produced half of Navy’s goals in this game.  It’s no wonder Navy hasn’t fared well this season – top 20 D1 lacrosse teams have goalies that make that stop.

I just had a flashback to the Towson/Loyola game from a few weeks ago.  There are more balls on the ground in this game than the sauna at a retirement home.

I just checked the DVR for another game to watch.  UVA/Duke is taunting me.

EDUARDO forces a turnover and Navy goes man up off of a dubious slash at the midfield line.  3-3 set for the Midshipmen against a non-stringing 2-3 man down unit.  Bad shot.  Turnover.  Angry.

Have I mentioned that it’s 5-4 with 3 minutes left in the third quarter?

Thul scores on a dive shot.  Apparently you can land on the crease but not on the goalie now.  Interesting officiating today.  Very interesting.

Slobber knocker isn’t the right term to use for this game, but it’s close.  Heads sticks and bodies smashing into one another all over the field.  I guess that’s entertaining if you’re into that sort of thing.  I like watching lacrosse, but whatever.

Wickham produces a kick save off of a two on one breakaway.  He’s a jumper, folks.

Simultaneous fouls at the midfield line after something happened that they’re not showing because the cameraman didn’t catch it.  I guess they only have one camera.  5 on 5 hockey for about ten seconds and then good old RJ comes out of net and gets facialed by an Army attackman to draw the 5 on 4 man up for Navy.

So let me get this straight – this game is 6-4 and each goalie has less than 6 saves each?

Allow me to take another jab at this Chesapeake Bayhawks commercial – half the guys they show in the spot won’t be on the team when the season starts.  Hilarious. Even if I’m the only guy who would ever notice that – hilarious, regardless.

Please look like lacrosse in the fourth quarter…no whammy, no whammy, no whammy…

Navy’s Patrick Moran has missed the cage more than an Autophobic Tiger in this game.

You made a He-Man joke? Why?

Nothing has happened for five whole minutes.  No shots on goal.  No clears.  No runs to cage.  Nothing.

Yes, Jack Emmer, 15-14 would be nice, but no it’s not because of the defense, it’s because the offense is atrocious.  ADMIT IT, EDUARDO! ADMIT IT!

Navy finally scores off of an innocuous shot from Joe Lennon driving down…you guessed it – the alley!  I like goals.

“Patrick Moran needs to shoot overhand.” Jack Emmer is the John Madden of lacrosse.  So THAT’S why I like him?

Nikk Davis scores his second goal of the game! Driving down the ALLEY! I LOVE GOAAAAAAALLLLSSSSSS!!!!

6-6! Let’s go, America!

Army’s Jeremy Boltus scores with time and room again!  I’m going to pass out!  Three goals in the last two minutes!

And we’re back. To. Slow. Down. Lacrosse. Again.  Timeout Army. Timeout Navy. Game over.

I have bellybutton lint.

Folks, I’d also like to apologize for the tardiness (and the lateness) or this week’s Devious Video Recap. I was on the Onondaga reservation getting the snot beat out of me playing box lacrosse with the Vermont Voyageurs; a Senior B team out of my home state’s doppelganger.

I got a penalty, blocked a shot and have a hematoma on my head.  And by that I mean I served someone else’s penalty, got hit by a shot by accident and scratched my dome piece putting my lid on before the game.

Who puts a shifty little guy with a Carolina head and killer bee argyle socks on defense? Someone smarter than I.  I probably would have died if I tried to play offense so it was for the best.

Still, I’d like to thank Jeff Culkin and the Vermont Voyageurs for giving me a run. And my captain for the weekend, Trevor Wagar; who is easily the toughest dude I have ever met.

Except for Corporal Chris Yarwood, Lieutenant Brendan Galway, and Specialist Jesse Devitte,

My former roommate.  My best friend.  And my dad.

We can be Heroes. The players in this game ARE heroes.

At ease.

Today’s video recap is brought to you by the fine folks at ProAthletics.com.  ProAthletics.com – Better than the Coast Guard.

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About the author: Kyle Devitte has written for The Boston Cannons, LaxUnited, The MLL, Inside Lacrosse, LaxNation and the New England Lacrosse Journal. He is currently head coach of the Daniel Webster College men’s lacrosse team.

Read all his Devious Video Recaps and relive the best NCAA lacrosse action from 2010.

Want to contribute to Lax All Stars? Drop us a line at info@lacrosseallstars.com.

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