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NBA Draftopolooza Plus Bizzaro Lacrosse POV

0 - Published June 27, 2009 by in Lifestyle

More than any other sport, the spectacle and intrigue of the NBA Draft is extraordinary and one of my favorite times of the year.  Over the past few days I’ve spent my time pondering the results of the draft in addition to debating which Michael Jackson song was the best and which one was the most epic (Billy Jean and Thriller obviously).  Now that we have THAT settled, let’s review how the top 10 draft picks shook out shall we?

For this ulta in-depth analysis we’ll give you a quick one liner from ESPN’s review, then take it to another level with the real scoop:

1. LA Clippers Blake Griffin 6-10 248 PF Oklahoma

ESPN says: “No suspense or surprise here”

Mr. BS says: Freaky dunker who some people compare to a Karl Malone / Charles Barkley hybrid. Remains to be seen if he actually has human emotions or was sent back in time to find Sarah Connor.

If he played lacrosse: This question caused a huge debate because I thought he would be a middie and Striding Man was convinced he’d be a keeper. In the end the concussion and the vacant stare convinced me that I was wrong. Strap on that chest protector, Blake. We’re putting you between the pipes.

2. Memphis Hasheem Thabeet 7-3 267 C Connecticut

ESPN says: “He’s the best shot-blocker in the draft and if he ever develops any offense, he could be a dominant big.”

Mr. BS says: When the 2nd pick of the entire NBA draft has the line “if he ever develops and offense” in his analysis, you know it’s a down year. I love Thabeet and his size changes the game but sheesh. One positive: Thabeet and Marc Gasol will make quite the pair wandering the streets of Tennessee. Mother’s hide your daughters.

Lax POV: Thabeet is a no brainer. The guy is a Tanzanian native and the Masai tribe is famous for their warrior ablities (including spearing lions). Add that to his monsterous size and he’d be the most dominant close D-pole ever. He would blot out the sun.

3. Oklahoma City James Harden 6-5 222 SG Arizona State

ESPN says: “…did Russell Westbrook make this pick for Sam Presti?”

Mr. BS says: It was a down year for the Oregon Ducks basketball team and when I wasn’t wishing for the days of Aaron Brooks punching Ryan Appleby or Kevin Love’s warm Mac Court memories, I was watching James Harden do his best Brandon Roy impression. (Tangent: “The most excitement in the draft up to this point was me snapping to attention at the sight of venerable Mac Court on the screen and then watching Harden repeatedly posterize half the population of Eugene- hippies and meth heads included. Man, the Ducks were terrible last year.) The guy is a smooth operator. That said, Harden is the Thunder’s choice but I would have snapped up Rubio here. Ricky throwing lob dunks to the Durantula for the rest of time would be something to see.  No dice for GM Sam Presti though.

Lax POV: Harden is a pure shooter and I will slot him as a big time middie. He’d spend his day’s iso’ing from the top and unleasing sniper fire from the alley dodges.

4. Sacramento Tyreke Evans 6-5 220 SG Memphis

ESPN says: “He’s not a point guard. But he’s a physical combo guard who knows how to get to the rim.”

Mr. BS says: Look in the dictionary under raw “athlete” and you get a picture of Tyreke Evans. The only major issue is that when he shoots the ball I keep getting reminded of a mideviel  trebuchet firing. That’s not a good sign for your PG of the future, Sac-town. Are the Maloofs drinking the Rubio haterade too or did they lose a bunch of money to Spanish con artists in a wacky “Ocean’s 11” type scenario and are holding a grudge against anything from the Iberian Peninsula?

Lax Pov: Contrary to the above statement about his PG skills, Evans would be a helluva lacrosse player. His athleticism means he would be a clearing machine who would draw double and triple teams on the offensive end. Middie for sure.

5. Minnesota (from Washington) Ricky Rubio 6-5 180 PG Spain

ESPN says: “He’s going to get to play right away and he’ll make some mistakes. “

Mr. BS says: Here is where we can do some editing to ESPN’s analysis and mesh it with reality: “He’s going to get to play right away (because he’s staying in Spain) and he’ll make some mistakes (but he’ll be home in Span because he apparently hates Minnesota and is going to take his Euro mullet back to the adoring masses of Spanish teens and not to the chilly confines of Minneapolis.) Other than that this pick worked out spectacularly for everyone involved.  Why didn’t the Wizards just keep this pick and team Rubio with Agent Zero?

Lax POV: Rubio might be the easiest so far outside of Thabeet. He easily projects as a do-it-all attack who would cause havoc from X.

6. Minnesota Jonny Flynn 6-1 196 PG Syracuse

ESPN says: “Flynn is a great leader, tough and a good defender.”

Mr. BS: Flynn makes total sense here in the land of the bizarro draft. Loved his leadership at ‘Cuse but never once thought that he was the 6th best player in the country.

Lax POV: Attack / Middie combo player who will take it to the rack with no regard for human life.

7. Golden State Stephen Curry 6-3 181 PG Davidson

ESPN : “Curry can be a combo guard and a good fit with (Monta)Ellis in the backcourt..but they are both pretty small.”

Mr. BS: Between the potential Curry/ Ellis and Flynn/ Rubio backcourts we’re reaching new levels of “the GM’s do understand that this isn’t fantasy college basketball, right?”. These guys DO have to make sense of playing together at the same time and I just don’t see it.  I projected Curry in a few lineups (New York for one) but I’m not sure about this move. Teams with large backcourts are going to dominate Golden State on defense.  But then again when has Don Nelson worried about that?

Curry also is quite the rapper and enjoys dropping ryhmes about crappy dorm food.  Watch out Ron Artest a new NBA rap phenom is here:

Lax POV: Curry is a cerebral player who would be deadly at attack. A prolific scorer in b-ball, I see him as a herky jerk passer who would rack up the assists and goals on the door step.

8. New York Jordan Hill 6-10 232 PF Arizona

ESPN: “Mike D’Antoni compared him to a young Amare Stoudemire. I think that’s a little much, but he’ll be good in D’Antoni’s up-tempo system”

Mr. BS: Poor New York fans. This is the worst case scenario pick for the excitement level of the Knicks mob watching in the stands and at home.  Somewhere Spike Lee is looking up from editing his next film “Kobe Doin’ Yardwork” and shaking his head. They do fill a need however, since Eddy Curry remains hell bent on eating his way out of the league. (Tangent: Hill’s Arizona teammate Chase Buddinger was reportedly asked during the interview/ psychological testing process if he had any “friends with benefits”.  The NBA. Where friends with benefits happens.)

Lax POV: Stop the middie/ attack parade, we have another defenseman in the mix. Hill is an athletic guy who would reek havoc as a LSM. Imagine looking across a face-off at a 6-10 guy with a long pole. No thanks.

9. Toronto DeMar DeRozan 6-6 211 SG USC

ESPN says: “He’s long and athletic and he can be a spectacular scorer”

Mr. BS: DeRozan comes from the USC’s wink-wink-nudge-nudge school of academics. In his short time on campus, he walked away with a double major in money laundering and bribery. Coach Floyd’s pregame speeches included the line “snitches get stiches” and “remember your suitcase of money”. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

Lax POV: Despite the extracurriculars, DeRozan is lanky and quick. Attack or Middie, he’s the first guy who would pull off a double pump 360 Air Gait.

10. Milwaukee Brandon Jennings 6-2 165 PG Italy

ESPN: “He’s cat-quick and impossible to stay in front of, and if he fixes his shooting woes, he’ll be a big-time scorer.”

Mr. BS: Would write up a re-cap but I’m too bust humming “Straight Outta Compton (NSFW)”

Lax POV: Brandon Jennings is another athlete-type who would pretty much be a sicker Mikey Powell talent.  Take the band /guitar/ surfer dude attitude and instead substitute a guy who averaged 5 pts in Europe but has “tremendous upside potentia®” (trademark Jay Bilas)

What did you think about this years draft? Biggest busts / steals? Was it a down year for talent or will this be an underrated crop of youngsters?

Chad Ford’s 2009 Draft Board, Round 1 [ESPN]