Editor’s Note: It’s tradition that after the President delivers the State of the Union, the opposing party gets their chance to speak and offer their rebuttal. In our case, reader Bill Mensch took the time to chew some seeds, put some pine tar on his hands, come up with an elaborate handshake, and then give a response from baseball’s POV after our own State Of The Game Address.
This creativity deserves to be highlighted it’s own post. Props to Bill for the great work!
And now, a response from Baseball…
It’s kind of cute that you kids think you can grow your little stick and ball game into a major sport, but it just not going to happen. Baseball is the King of spring and summer and that’s just not going to change.
I know a lot of kids are finding out about lacrosse and giving it a try, but the game is just too fast. This isn’t what kids want. Think about it, why would kids want to all play at the same time when they can just enjoy some sunflower seeds while they wait their turn to bat?
Another thing, there is so much running in lacrosse, and it can get hot in the summer. Have you seen how fat kids are today? They don’t want to run; they would rather just stand there and wait for the ball to come to them.
Seriously, over the past few years you have been stealing a lot of kids from our game and it just has to stop.
These baseball diamonds are really expensive and we’ve already made them so it doesn’t make any sense not to use them. That is why today I am introducing the Non-Native American Sporting Heritage Act. This will require all American youth to play 2,000 inning of baseball before they are eligible to play another sport. *Baseball has been an important part of American society to a long time, and we can’t let a sport that has been around before baseball change that.
*It will also implement a shot clock into NCAA lacrosse: it turns out that Quint has some powerful lobbyists working for him.
If you can’t pick up on the sarcasm that Bill is putting down, you’re missing out! Hysterical, Bill!