One of these days I’m going to be happy when I write The Devious Video Recap. That will be the day that the Devious Video Recap dies. Contrary to popular belief, this thing is not written to massage my ego, but to calm the beast inside of me.
I don’t know what I would do without a column during the season any more than I would know what to do without a team to coach. I hope you know what you’re getting into, here, people. I know this game is ugly. The score is ugly. The uniforms are ugly. My soul – is ugly.
But, you know, thanks for allowing and entertaining my burdens.
BIG CITY CLASSIC!
Yeah. I know. I only got 47 emails from Inside Lacrosse about it. Which is about ten less than I got from LXM PRO TOUR: AUSTIN! Hey, thanks for bringing some form of lacrosse to Austin, Texas five years after I left. I REALLY appreciate it.
Everyone should live in Austin before they die. IT is, quite simply, a magical place where all the food is good, all the days are sunny and all the girls are hot. If you live in Austin and you read this, I will literally live in your basement in exchange for daily witticisms. As long as you bring me enchilada’s from Guero’s and Mexican Martinis from Trudy’s for sustenance.
Chris Bates is sporting the classic long-sleeve-under-the-polo look on the sidelines for this game. I’m not going to lie, that’s not a look anyone can pull off. Desko used to rock the sweater vests, but now he’s fully covered in Nike logos. Edge: Desko; everyone loves the swoosh.
What is Princeton doing running and gunning with Syracuse? They’re wandering offside and taking poor shots on half breaks. It’s like watching a samurai preparing to commit seppuku.
The best thing Quint has ever said on a lacrosse broadcast: “Sometimes a new voice is more important than what is being said”. [In reference to Bates taking over the Tigers from Tierney.] That’s possibly the best insight I’ve ever heard from the Q-man. I’m not kidding, that’s literally the most perceptive comment I have ever heard during a lacrosse broadcast. It certainly makes ”LASER” look pedantic by comparison.
A Syracuse goal from Marasco off the invert starts us off. I always enjoy when a player gets wailed on by a defenseman and then gets so mad that he goes right to cage and smokes his guy. He had help from a nasty pick, but still great to see.
The refs are wearing green on the field for some reason. All I can see is their shorts and it’s messing with my mind. It’s like Kevin Bacon from Hollow Man is calling the game and just has shorts on. And man those are some big ass shorts. What, didn’t you see “Wild Things”? Wait was that another fat ref joke. You decide.
Princeton ran a 1-4-1 on man up. Gee, I wonder why they only have 6 goals on man up this whole season. Might want to try a new set up, Batesy.
Ugh. Quint. Why did you just ruin my goodwill by making another “lacrosse is like _______ because _______is like _______!” comment? (It was a hockey analogy about Galloway holding his pipe, in case you were wondering.) Come on Quint, you’re better than that.
Hah, Princeton got a stall warning. Just like the old days. Except this Princeton defense doesn’t slide. Another goal for the Orange off of an incredible cross-field feed from Jovan Miller. I like Jovan Miller, he gets a lot of flack from a few of my lacrosse media people, but he has skills when he has the ball. Just needs to improve his game sense and he will be a true two-way midfielder. Endangered, they are.
Syracuse in a very open 2-2-2/2-3-1 rocking the ball from the wings and looking for openings is frightening to behold. Princeton holds itself together this time though and forces a poor pass. Fiorito has serious clearing skills. He hits outlets like Tiger Woods hits…golf balls. (Too easy.)
The best part about being a smaller lacrosse player is that hits are always high because all the defensemen in the world are hulking brutes that can’t get low enough to get to your chest. Sorry, guys I was once one of you, but you know it’s true. You’re lazy and you take the cheapie every time. For reference, Lacrosse talent chart: Fat goalie < FOGO < Defensemen < O-Mid < D-Mid < LSM < Attackman
Are they really showing kids doing stick tricks on national TV? Oh. A flip. That was nice. Didn’t that guy who played 3 years ago do that? What’s his name? Oh no. They wouldn’t. They did. He’s in the booth.
I’m sorry, I’m fast-forwarding until he’s gone. I can’t take it. I’d rather stick carnivorous beetles in my ears than listen/see this. NOT FOR YOU! NOT FOR ANYONE! BETRAYER OF CHILDREN!
I’m back. Close one, brah!
Where is Mike Chanenchuk in this game? He’s Princeton’s most dynamic dodger and player. You can say The Tigers go through the McBrides’ all you want, but Chanenchuk is their engine. He does so many things that don’t show up on stat sheets. When he dodges someone, he doesn’t just beat them – he leaves them breathing rubber turf pellets in his wake.
Cuse’s cross crease slide double is causing havoc with Princeton’s drives from X. And the most blatant cross check I’ve ever seen isn’t called, resulting in yet another turnover for Princeton.
Holy crap – Syracuse just ran a stack and break! That’s unreal. Is it the year of the throwback or what? A stack and break is when everyone gets in an I formation on offense and breaks once the dodging midfielder beats his man up top. Total early 90’s offense. What’s next, an armadillo man up where everyone comes out of a huddle cradling?
Yay! Chanenchuk scores! Who did he beat? Tyler Hlawti. For shame. One handed checking with a pole after THE CHANENCHUKU reduces you to rubble! Yeah, Chenenchuknunchaku. What of it? OH! OH! BJ Prager reference! Why am I so happy!? What can I say plays on words just get souped.
As I was working out that pun, The Orange scored two goals. I rewound it and watched them but really, are you reading this for a goal recap? What are you, a ri-tard? You eat paint chips as a little kid?
Jeremy Thomson’s goal was so filthy that it just inspired ten kids to learn how to string traditional in their sticks. You really should learn how to do it anyway; nothing throws or shoots better than traddy. Fact.
Princeton is settling for half hearted alley shots. That’s pretty much the only information you need to explain the score, here. 6-2 feels like 14-2 right now.
Did the refs just call an interference penalty? Talk about ticky-tack fouls. Is Tim Donagee on the field? I can’t tell because all I see is white shorts. Enormous white shorts.
Oh my lord. Desko’s kid just went between the legs on the edge of the crease with a defender on his back. Goal of the year. Better than Jamieson’s if only because he had a defender draped on him. At an acute angle. That’s the thing about Syracuse – no other player in division one would even try that shot at ANY other school in the country because if they missed it they would have been benched for life. You can say what you want about Syracuse – and people say many, MANY hurtful things – but they are definitely fun to watch year in, year out.
What the heck is Princeton doing on offense? They’re crowding the crease with players that aren’t moving off ball and hoping to get an iso on the wing for a good shot? Against this Syracuse defense? The defense that is at it’s best against teams that can’t shoot from outside?
These refs are terrible. Calling a slash at the whistle on a Princeton pole that was already in his checking motion and PULLED UP so he didn’t hit Jamieson full strength. Are you kidding me?
Hopkins highlights at halftime. Hah. Hahahaha. AHHAHAHHAHAHAA! Sorry. Uncalled for.
Wow, the DVR meter is really low considering that it’s halftime…
Oh, don’t give me that. Listen, I have the JV Comcast DVR, okay? I can’t program the damn thing to record extra minutes. I’ve tried, all it does is give me attitude and frankly, I’m sick of it.
Even though there’s no way I’m going to be able to physically SEE the rest of this game, I’m going to recap it deviously, regardless. Thanks to my friends at Inside Lacrosse, I can relive the game from their live blog! All I have to do is put this huge BIG CITY CLASSIC banner in my column! But…it’s over? So, wait, what do I put here? Uhm…Day of Rivals? What is this next thing called? Pride Matters? Pride’s a sin.
Game’s back on. For now. Jamieson benefits from being sneaky, you underestimate his sneakiness, and scores of a truly horrendous clearing attempt from the Princeton defense. Is this really the Princeton defense I’ve been hearing about all year? Because it sure looks like the same defense from the Hofstra game I Recapped in week one. They are flaccid and pedestrian in their clearing ability, aside from Fiorito.
Is it really 9-2 right now? Princeton isn’t even sliding anymore. Check that, they haven’t slid all game. Imagine Chris Farley is Syracuse and the roll is Princeton’s defense in this scene and you may be able to see what I see:
“Tommy Boy” makes “The Hangover” look like “Schindler’s List”. Humor wise.
Jamieson scores again. Dear god, make it stop. Syracuse is finding new ways to embarrass Princeton’s D. Jamieson slides in the back door and slams one home. I immediately regret my word choice, but stand by it at the same time. 10-2.
The refs are wearing green as a tribute to the Headstrong foundation. And now I look like an idiot. And yet I still look better than Cuse’s athletic department, who refused to let L’Orange wear any Headstrong gear for the game because apparently it conflicts with their sponsorship. Last time I checked, STX made neon green super powers SPECIFICALLY to capitalize on the Headstrong “fad”. Maybe lacrosse really is big business.
Marasco scores to make it 11-2. That’s eight straight goals, man. WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS?! I’d rather watch Loyola/Towson again. No, no, no I take it back. This is better. At least one team is trying to go to cage and running a real offense.
This game is so out of hand that Quint and [nameless mouthpiece] are talking about Syracuse football and Jim Brown.
Syracuse’s JJ Marasco scores AGAIN with 1 second left in the third quarter.
THERE’S ANOTHER QUARTER?
Not for me. I’d rather chug toilet water than watch the last quarter of this game. But hey, if you REALLY want to know how it ends, here’s IL’s recap. If you put “that’s what she said” or “Horrendous” or “…” at the end of every other line, it’s almost like I wrote it!
See you next week, my sick little monkeys.
As always, Today’s Devious Video Recap is brought to you by the fine folks at Proathletics.com. Proathletics.com – I have my own reversible. Buy it.