In this week’s Feed I want to start with a public service announcement for all of you not “in the know.” Over the past weekend I had the chance to discuss some important strategy for safety that the Bear Grylls’ of the world tend to overlook when they teach survival techniques. I’m talking about being prepared for the worst of the worst that can get thrown at you.
Sorry I’m not sorry Al Gore because I’m not talking about global warming. And if I hear Glen Beck talk about socialism’s threat to America one more time my head might explode. I’m talking about things that go bump in the night and turn grown men into a weeping mess like the “leave Brittney alone” guy.
Vampires? Nope. Those are for wannabe pre-teen girls who like their monsters to be secretly “sexy” and are so chock full of hormones coursing through their little girly veins that a 100 year old dude with too much hair gel is considered a threat.
Werewolves? Closer but in the end aren’t we just combining a fear of dogs with a fear of guys at the gym with excessive back hair? A bag of tennis balls would distract those things long enough to neutralize the disturbance no problemo.
What I’m talking about is the undead. You heard me. Brain eating, virus induced delirium that turns humans against one another. The zombie apocalypse is closer than you think and I’m here to let you know that it’s time to get your survival guide in order. Cheating and buying a pre-made book is better than nothing (if you like Zombies for Dummies-ish cookie cutter strategy) but the following are just a a few of the things you need to have figured out when the sirens blare and the unprepared hysterical people start running around like idiots.
First, you need to have separate strategies based on the type of zombie you’re dealing with. How is their mental capacity? Are the drooling idiots or can they hunt the uninfected in packs? Are you prepared for zombies that can learn basic hunting strategies? Are they shuffling slow zombies, normal speed zombies, or are we talking about the dreaded fast zombie?
Where is your zombie safe zone? Some suggestions include major pro stadiums with large food stocks, lockable doors, and open grass for growing crops. Also good would be a big box store (think Costco/ WalMart) where you could rule over a kingdom of gallon tubs of mayo with your shotgun always nearby.
Who are the key members in your survival group? Suggestions include a nurse (more general knowledge than doctors, possibility for eventual mating and saving the human species and generally less of a god complex), a wizened old school teacher (good patience and might possibly prefer Zombieland over another day surrounded by those damn kids), a mechanic, and generally anyone originally from Montana, the Dakotas, Oakland (CA), or the Bronx because they can fend for themselves better than your average suburban punk. People from the burbs are potato chips for the undead.
Know anyone that fits the bill and can be at your appointed meeting place within 30 mins of a zombie outbreak? Include them in the plan. Lastly you need to decide whether or not you move toward the coasts or toward the middle. My hint is that large groups of people equal zombie cat nip so you are going to want to head towards the most desolate parts of the country to start rebuilding society.
And this survival guide is just a start. A good zombie attack plan is a flexible zombie attack plan so keep it constantly updated. Analyze all new friends and co-workers on the “would they be of assistance in the eventual shuffling, drooling, zombie apocalypse” scale? If they dont stack up then move along. Now that you’re all prepared I hope you feel a little safer and don’t worry because you can thank me later.
Plus to be 100% truthful zombies are pretty far fetched. What we should be REALLY worried about is when the robots finally gain full artificial consciousness and turn against humanity. We’re already on our way to the robot wars and no puny “survival guide” can save us. Not to be a downer but there is no chance we can reverse our ever growing dependence on technology. What then? Two words: zombie robots.
We are so effed.
Welcome to another week on The Spoon Feed. It’s time to get fed. Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnss.
5. LT looks more out of place than the lady swinging the wooden stick
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The only thing that would have been better was if they had a slo-mo clip of Tiger plowing into that fire hydrant at 2am.
4. I, for one, welcome our new crab overlords
Meet Crabzilla. I thought all about zombies and robots but shouldn’t we at least be wary of crab people?
In case you were out of the loop, Vimeo does HD videos the way they’re supposed to be done. This entire list is worth watching but in case you are too mesmerized to leave the Feed (and who could blame you?) here are a few choice selections from their top 25:
2. Meet Longhorn Girl
If you didn’t know her, you now know her.
1. How cool were the 1960s? Two words: Whiskey Toothpaste
And this only the beginning. Check out the rest of The Spoon Feed and see what else you missed.
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