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Devious Video Recap: Three Team Teaser!

6 - Published March 22, 2010 by in College

Vapid: Bereft of strength, sharpness, flavour, etc.; flat. See also: this picture.

Surprise! It’s a Devious Video Recap bonus! This week I’m covering three games at once! Well, not at once, that would be lunacy.  I am going to watch all three and give you come of my thoughts on the play on the field because I didn’t schedule a column for this week.  So if someone else on the site did this already that’s too bad.  Just don’t steal any of my material or I’ll cut you.

It’s time for better games (?), a bitter columnist (…), and foolish comments/complaints (!).  This is where we stop being polite and start being more interesting than the Real World.

Side note: The newest cast of the Real World is the most despicable, annoying and irredeemable collection of human beings that has ever been on TV.  I would not hesitate to set any of them on fire were they to every venture to the warzone that is the Shire.  Real World DC’s dregs of society make the cast of Paradise Hotel 1 and 2 look like World War 2 Triage nurses.

Ben Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms...

Enough with the pleasantries; let’s light this Real World-er on fire. I mean, candle. Remember, the embargo on player names is over – it’s just more effective to analyze the game by referring to the player by name rather than pieces on the board.

Up first: Wrestling?  Why is Wrestling on my DVR? OH! That guy just got a handful of junk! What the heck! Is this that Logo channel? Wrestling has sudden death? What the…Now I’m going to miss that last quarter of this Maryland/UMBC game.

Oh my god, am I really going to watch Maryland vs. UMBC?  I hate when the label on the DVR is just “College Lacrosse”…

I try not to watch the open anymore. It just makes me angry because so many generalized comments are offered.  Look, I know new people are watching these games on ESPNU.  I get that.  But don’t talk down to EVERYONE for the entire broadcast.  We’re not idiots; we’re Americans – just tell us what is going on so we can accept it, apply our prejudices, and move on.

I’ve seen UMBC and Maryland play before and each team has a tendency to hit their gas pedal at the oddest of times.  Maryland can dominate a team for three quarters and then just ease off the gas whenever they feel like it.  UMBC tends to simply wreck the car.

You can see the difference in size between these teams right away.  Maryland just dwarfs UMBC in all positions.  Kyle Wimer’s height and weight listing have to be wrong – next to any Maryland defender he looks like a hobbit.

Kyle Wimer is wittle. (Photo courtesy of Lax.com)

I really like Maryland’s Adam Sear as a dark horse MLL player.  He fills a role as a shooter on any of the 6 teams.  He may not have the prettiest of skill sets, but he always powers through his shot and will get valuable experience on the Australian National team in this year’s lacrosse world cup.

Maryland’s foot is now officially off the gas; their poles are just letting UMBC dodge inside.  The infamous matador defense in full effect from the turtles.  It’s a good thing Maryland’s offense is bailing them out with good shots…oh wait.  They’re not.  Why is a team like Maryland playing slow down possession offense on a team like UMBC?  I know UMBC has beaten the Terps the last three times they have played (Thank ESPNU pregame graphic that entered my periphery as I was fast forwarding!) but this is just ridiculous.  If you can’t beat a team like UMBC into a pulp by the end of the first quarter you’re in trouble when you play anyone in the ACC.

Right on cue, Cottle’s boys make a three goal run all over the Retrievers face.  Is there a more emasculating mascot than a Labrador/Golden Retriever? I had Golden Retrievers growing up and I wouldn’t have them represent anything other than the living embodiment of why humans are superior to animals.

Even the smartest Golden Retriever wears a helmet.

The guys in the booth for this game don’t even know the calls on the field.  The referee makes the motion with his hands – if you don’t know what it means then don’t step into the booth.  It’s embarrassing.  Speaking of embarrassing this game is already over.  Maryland: 8, Nature’s-extra-chromosomal-representation: 2 with just under five minutes left in the first half.

UMBC shows no signs of life at this point. Bad passes are playing into the hands of the Maryland defenders – who (by the way) aren’t even playing their man – they’re playing the passing lane. No one on UMBC can even get past Maryland’s worst D-middie. I think I just heard a chant of “leave the FOGO IN!”. Nope, that was me.

It’s official. Kyle Wimer is the next Drew Thompson.  If you know what I mean, then consider yourself knowledgeable in all things lax.  If you don’t, consider yourself a noob and quietly browse the rest of the column without making any sudden movements.

And Maryland is really turning it on.  They’re not even going for shots outside of 10 feet.  It’s like watching a game of knockout where the first guy misses the shot on purpose just to get his rebound and hit his lay up right after you miss.

Ugh. My DVR cut off in the third quarter when the score was 11-4 Terps.  Good thing, too – if I watched another minute of that I would have to go find my gun and shoot my TV out of mercy.

Next?

Oh boy.  It’s Syracuse vs. Hopkins! Woo – yeah I can’t pretend to be excited about watching this.  SOMEONE texted me the score of this game right after it was over and then excitedly asked my take on it. IN THE FUTURE please refrain from texting me about division one-lacrosse games that I have yet to see because I’m on a bus with my team after a crushing loss.  Thanks.

Does anyone remember when Jovan Miller was just a D middie?  He’s just so smooth now.  Looking off passes, unleashing furious rocket ship shots on the run – he’s a completely different player.

Oh my god! Gvozden has the Manning face! On the first goal! Rewind it! Drink the image in! HOW do you leave a player in the game after they have the Manning face?  You should have known, Petro!  You should have known!

The Manning Face.

Can I ask a serious question right now?  Why are players allowed to fiddle with their sticks when they’re on the field?  Punching the pocket in I can see, but there are player in this game that are straight up pulling their stick apart and yanking on their mesh.  I know it’s a part of the game, but don’t you think it’s rather amateurish? (I am aware that these players are indeed amateurs, thank you).

Mother of god.  A between the legs goal from Jamieson on the…saunter.  Shades of John Grant jr. there.  Cody Jamieson’s worth is infinitesimal.  Is there an over/under on what the Toronto Nationals will give up to draft Jamieson?  Joe Walters and ten grand?  Joe Walters, his ego and ten grand?

Gvozden’s biggest problem is his need to immediately clear the ball as soon as he touches it – not his shot stopping acumen.  He creates more turnovers by chucking the ball downfield than any goalie I’ve ever seen at Hopkins.  He can still fulfill his promise, but that clearing game has gone nowhere in three years.

Taking 18 minutes to score your first goal at home means you probably aren’t going to win the game. Call me crazy.

I really don’t get why the Hopkin’s defense isn’t throwing checks behind the cage.  Syracuse isn’t attacking from behind; they’re peppering you from the top with sweeping midfielders and quick dodges.  You’re down by half a dozen goals – throw checks.

Look, Syracuse found out that Hopkins offense begins and ends with Steven Boyle.

Hey, is Michael Kimmel playing in this game?  They haven’t said his name enough in the commentary considering how much he has(n’t) done.  Yes, that was sarcasm.

“Letting your players improvise” is code for “not knowing what to draw up in huddles”.  Good try, though.

You know what, I’m going to take back my earlier criticism of Gvozden. He can’t stop the shots that Syracuse is scoring on.  They’re literally taking perfect shots.  Top corner pingers from 12 feet away are not the goalies responsibility.

That and no one has the stones to take a between the legs shot in a Hopkins practice, I’m sure Gvoz was just as mesmerized as everyone else when it went in.  He’s stopped every shot he could; except for that seventh goal.  Stickside high?  Really?  Get your head on the pipe, guy.

Hopkins is starting to throw wood all over the field now.  After they’re down by five goals they finally start checking sticks.  And switching their slides.  Are they running adjacent slides on SYRACUSE? Are you mad, sir?

“You know when you have the Canadian box background, you’re used to shooting on a 4 by 4, this net looks like a soccer goal.”

- Paul Carcaterra.

Thanks, Paul.

It’s 8-1 Orange with a quarter and half left to play which means I’m done with this game and moving on. (I would miss a furious Hopkins comeback run of a whopping four goals before Cuse would curb stomp The Blue Jays dreams with a few goals of their own.)

Even with all the calls and all the preferential media treatment, the mighty Johns Hopkins couldn’t get within a sniff of Syracuse’s superior offense, defense and transition game.  Sorry Jay fans, Hop just doesn’t have it this year.

Let’s see what this game is…No. No. NO! HELL NO! UVA versus Towson?  How is this game on TV?  Where is Quint?  I need a go to guy to get me through this!  Oh well, at least I get to see Steele Stanwick play for a few quarters.

Wow, Towson scores first?  Nice work, friends.  (This is the only game that I didn’t know the final score for before I watched it so keep that in mind).  And UVA scores on the cutting midfielder from up top. Towson is running its shorties behind the cage on defense and throwing their poles up top to defend. It’s not a terribly idea to throw that at UVA, but it’s only going to work for a few minutes until they rotate and get their match ups.

HAHAHA, MARK DIXON SAID BUGABOO TO PUNCTUATE HIS POINT!  GET THE $^%& OUT OF HERE! HAHHAHA! REWIND KYLE, REWIND!  My first nominee for call of the year. Guy makes Gus Johnson look pedestrian with craziness like that.  Man, I’m having trouble breathing…

Holy crap, Towson is getting great shots on UVA’s defense. Gheets is saveless.  He is without saves.  3-2 Towson with five minutes left in the first Q…

Towson is getting great results out of its ride.  It looks like a hybrid of zone and man lock off.  The attackmen are locking on the poles on the wings so the goalie doesn’t have an easy dump.  The other attackman and the three midfielders are cutting off passing lanes (almost in a diamond formation) and baiting the far side pass.  I’m going to steal it.

Stall warning on Towson, you know what that means…I’m proven right yet again.  Goal, Towson.  The stall RELAXES the defense, people.

Yes, Paul Rabil, you did mention that you shoot 111 mph.  Your ricochets at Harvard stadium have struck me about the face and skull. You could roam the streets in a riot and fire shots into a crowd to disperse it.

Who was that guy that voted UNC #1 in the Media poll that last two weeks instead of UVA and got ridiculed by all of his colleagues and contemporaries?  I forget his name…

Steele Stanwick might be the next Conor Gill if he can ever get some teammates that can finish his feeds. Three ‘Hoos have dropped amazing looks from The Man of Steele right on the doorstep.

The Tigers are pressuring on man up.  That will not succeed.  Good hustle, though.  At least Towson is trying.  I think Seaman might have been cantankerous enough to think his team could actually beat UVA.  I like that.  He’s still got the fire; he just can’t get anyone to go to school in the bowels of Towson.

Quick Towson story: A number of years back a handful of friends and I went on a road trip to the Final Four in Baltimore. I was working in the press box for whoever decided I was worth the money and they came to see the games.  So the night after the semi finals, we’re out doing what red-blooded males do when they’re in Baltimore for Championship weekend.

We’re killing all comers in this game called Beirut (have you heard of it? It’s ever so engrossing) at the Greene Turtle.  After the tenth consecutive destruction of intoxicated Maryland locals, I realized that my best friend [name withheld] was missing.  I began a frantic search that lasted roughly 20 seconds and then went back to the hotel.  I was awoken at 7:34am by a call on my cell.  The following conversation transpired:

Me: [No name] is that you? Where did you go last night?

[I’m out of pseudonyms]: Kyle…you need to come get me. Now.

Me: Where are you?

[That guy]: Dude. I don’t know where my underwear is. I’m in…I’m in Towson.

I just realized that I couldn’t tell the rest of this story without looking like a debaucherous lout. Ask me about it sometime.  It’s hilarious.  I’ve said too much.

Whoa.  It’s 7-4 with five minutes left in the second quarter.  I swear I only took five minutes to type that story…

Towson really refuses to die in this game.  This Pastirik kids is really something.  Cornell could have definitely used him this year, it’s too bad he transferred…but then again Graduate students can’t play sports at the Ivies.  He probably didn’t have a choice.

They’re showing a tour of the Towson campus for the ESPNU halftime shtick.  I just keep getting proven right.  About the only thing that looked less than 25 years old was the locker room.  The campus looked like the exterior shots from “Judgment Night”. *Shudders*

I was all like: "Eeeemmmillliiiiooooooo!!!"

Towson just keeps plugging away.  They’ll get a really nice well-worked goal and then have it wiped away by a UVA cheapie in transition.  Work even harder for another goal, taken right back off of the face.  There’s nothing more frustrating than working as hard as you can and playing your best game and then having your opponent score with ease.

Virginia’s man up is just pulling the rest of the team with them to this game’s finish.  I really can’t overstate how hard Towson is fighting here.  They just don’t have the talent to hang with UVA in this game.

One goal deficit gives way to two gives way to three.  I’m definitely rooting for Towson at this point.  So much heart on that team.  Plus, you know a close score makes things more….interesting at the top.

Damn.  Virginia has pulled away in the fourth quarter with some seriously vicious goals.  Fast Breaks all over the place from the ‘Hoos.  Towson just can’t keep up.  How many goals does this Pastirik kid have? Three?  That’s it?  The kid is legit.  Extra springy in his dodges and shifty with his shot selection – what’s not to like?  He even takes the extra step to get the better angle and get drilled when he drives to cage.

UVA just oozes talent.  It’s just so sickeningly sweet watch them key their break.  If they have a weakness its their 6 on 6 defense. Towson really took them to task by passing the ball around the perimeter to get a quality shot on every possession.  It just wasn’t enough.

So there you have it folks – An ascendant Maryland, a substandard Hopkins and a plucky Towson.  Surprising?  Only if you’re not paying attention to the devil in the details showcased here in the Devious Video Recap.

Today’s Devious Video Recap is brought to you by the fine folks at Proathletics.com. Proathletics.com – Because you can’t let your coach design your gear. He’s an idiot.

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About the author: Kyle Devitte has written for The Boston Cannons, LaxUnited, The MLL, Inside Lacrosse, LaxNation and the New England Lacrosse Journal. He is currently head coach of the Daniel Webster College men’s lacrosse team.

Read all his Devious Video Recaps and relive the best NCAA lacrosse action from 2010.

Want to contribute to Lax All Stars? Drop us a line at info@lacrosseallstars.com.

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