Time to take the bull by the horns! We all know that the dark abyss of winter is not the laxiest time of year and that means lots of time indoors refining your game. Fight off that seasonal depression, future All-Americans.
While some bro’s like to keep the Kate Moss heroin-chic look , for the smartest knives in the drawer winter is a good time to become a gym rat and build up those hurting bombs for the spring by lifting heavy objects and then repeatedly chest thumping.
But the gym can be full of many unknown dangers and pit falls. Not only can the equipment kill you but the type of socially awkward and/or deranged people that frequent your local 24 Hour Fitness can be just as big of a threat.
Here is the beginning of my handy guide for things that you’re bound to see at the gym:
- “Really likes to be naked” guy who magically has the locker right above yours. He sneaks up as you are undoing your lock and when you unexpectedly lean down you get The Full Monty. Say hello to James Westfall and Doctor Kenneth Noisewater! The rest of the locker room is suspiciously empty but he always manages to sidle up right next to you. Like a naked, wrinkly, magnet of uncomfortableness.
- Girl on exotic butt cruncher machine that may or may not have any athletic value (but please don’t let them know that) catches you staring from across the gym. (Side note: the skin tight yoga pants are an invitation for the eyes, ladies, so stop acting all innocent. It’s an unspoken contract signed the moment your step out in public. Like the Death Star tracking beacon for men.)
- Guy working out just a little too hard on the elliptical. He bit and clawed his way through 15 women to get on that baby and has no plans on leaving.
- Bro-Montana who bellows and snorts like a juiced up Brahma bull and may or may not have just finished a cycle of both the cream and the clear. Minotaur-man also is guaranteed to have grabbed the largest dumbell in the building and will only do one rep at a time. Also known as the “guido workout“. Great job, bra.
- Two “Jersey Shore” rejects who hog a much needed squat rack talking and staring the the mirror, fixing their gelled up hair.
- The “Lone Wolf” doing an intense workout in jeans or random dress clothes. Science needs to capture him and publish a study for research purposes. The chafe-age must be brutal.
- Cycling class teacher screaming at her minions like they are gearing up to storm the beaches of Normandy while simultaneously pumping Cher’s “Believe” turned up to 11. “I really don’t think I’m strooooooooooong enough, noooooo!“
Did I miss anyone? Let me know in the comments and remember to be careful out there this winter.
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