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Devious Video Recap: UNC vs. Hopkins

Get off of me. Now.

Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to an all-new installment of the Devious Video Recap.  Today we have an exceptional game on tap for you it’s the #2 (or #1 – depending on whom you ask) UNC Tarheels vs. the number…uh, I’m guessing 15 because that’s where I put them in my poll this week, Johns Hopkins Blue Jays.

Am I UNC fan?  Yes, I am a big time UNC fan.  I’m all in on Billy Bitter, Sean Delaney – who isn’t playing in this game, and Ryan Flanagan.  They are three of the best players at their respective positions in the game of lacrosse right now.  If you disagree then you’re clearly a Duke fan and cannot be trusted.

Hopkins…I’m not anti-Hopkins.  I’ve been to the campus, watched a few games and am generally impressed with everything the program has accomplished since lacrosse’s Bill Belichek showed up on campus a decade ago.  I have a shirt that says Paul Rabil is my homeboy.  I made it.

Great news to start this contest – Mark Dixon is commentating again.  He’s hilarious.  Like a ref that tries to coach.  There’s a reason you’re a ref, you know.  Turns out refs don’t like it when you say that to their face.  I did it last week and it didn’t go down well, but I talked myself out of the flag so it’s all good.  Then one of my defensemen made a guy cry.

First gem of the commentating – Billy Bitter has a wrap on his leg…illustrative of his injury that he sustained a few weeks ago.  Illustrative?  Really?

Gvoz is not in net for the Jays, and it’s not a surprise – it took teams a few years to figure the kid out but now he’s chewing scenery.  And pine.  Tough break G-voz.  You’re still a good interview, though.

Both of these teams are rocking white helmets and white shorts.  Good thing I’m hopped up on Easter candy and will have no problem differentiating their like-minded colour co-ordination.  It’s illustrative of their great taste in team gear.  So illustrative.

I’ll say this for the Hop, Wharton is a beast of a man.  His first shot was easily upwards of 95mph and it hit top corner opposite side.  No one saves that.

I’ve said this since the first game of the year – Hopkins runs it’s ENTIRE offense through #10 Steve Boyle.  Huge Steve Boyle fan.  Why? He’s from the shire.  Quick NH interlude; do me a favor and watch this video:

That video was a headlining item on the evening news on every station in New Hampshire this past week.  It was also on the front page of every small market newspaper in the state.  I was raised in this backwards ass chunk of settlement and I have to tell you that I hate this place with the fire of a thousand suns 9 months out of the year.

Take a good look at the chick in that video.  She’s pretty right?  Yeah, she also looks like a snowman with highlights.  She’s the chick on facebook that only posts pictures of herself from the chest up so when she friends you you’re like “Oh, yeah daddy likes.” but then your buddy goes “Did you see any pics from the neck down?”  THAT’S EVERY CHICK UP HERE!

It’s cold, it’s rainy and all the Massholes come up here to peep our leaves every fall.  Why?  They’re leaves!  Are you all stoned when you make the hour drive from the North Shore every November?  Is that why you come all the way up here to look at pretty colours on our trees? GROW YOUR OWN TREES!

It’s prettier when it’s on fire. Like your face.

Sorry.  Game.  Mildly nervous that Hop is up by 1, but then I remembered that I forgot to spoiler alert my people and know the final score already.  UNC sets up in the seldom-used 1-3-2.  An offense you can only run when you trust your midfielders and have snake-like attackmen who like to sneak.

Rollbacks all over the place from the Heels.  I love it.  Three quality shots and then Billy Bitter touches the ball.  He really is a special player – nobody moves like he does around the crease.  The crazy thing is, he doesn’t even roll – he just stops on a dime and lets his D-man fly past him, then he hitches the next guy and all of a sudden he’s one-on-one with the keeper.  Phenomenal.

UNC’s poles are unreal with the ball.  Have the Tarheels lost the Ground ball battle in any game this year?  Let’s pause and look. (Another goal from Bitter as we are column-paused, not DVR-paused).

They tied with Duke, with 31 apiece…lost the GB battle with Princeton 33-31…lost out to UMD 33-28.  Well, they’re not dominating as much as I thought but their totals are indeed eye-popping.

Carolina invert…crease violation.  How do you get a crease violation at Homewood?  It’s a completely different material than the rest of the field with a GIANT ring around it.  That’s sloppy like Sunday morning.

A great one-on-one angle finish from Hopkins’ Max Chautin.  He is speedy like animal.  Took his guy to the rack and pinged it in bottom pipe on Madalon; who had no chance, since his D decided to follow a far side cutter instead of hitting the 1 slide.  Why am I nervous?  I know who wins!

Bitter snags a hatty by lifting the D-man’s stick at the half line and beats everyone on the field to the cage and bounces it home.  Key detail on that goal – Bitter looked up and tipped his helmet as he ran right before his shot and Hopkins’ frosh keeper bit on it.  Great finish, 3-2.

Doesn’t Hopkins have a first team All-American on their midfield?  Kimmel or something?  Where is he?  And how is he still the “go-to-guy” when it’s clear to everyone with two functioning eyes that Boyle is the only guy that touches the ball on every possession?

Look I’m not out to hate on Kimmel.  It’s not his fault he’s WAY over hyped in the Hopkins centric media.  He’s a good player.  I’m not even going to say anything about the chrome head he’s using, even though it would be more than easy to do so.  It’s Easter, right?  Isn’t that like Christian Thanksgiving?  I don’t know man; I’m a wiseass pagan from the shire. Up in New Haaamppssshiiireeeee…Damn that video.

UNC has dominated possession in the first quarter.  However, unlike most teams, they’re constantly attacking the cage.  It’s all flowing through bitter behind the cage, but it’s non-stop.  Why don’t team just shut him off?  Can you shut him off?

Enough with this Michael Strahan commercial.  Enough.  We get it.  Anyone can play lacrosse.  Especially retired pro athletes.  That’s a GREAT message to send to your customers.  Insult them.  I hate you.

Candy crash.  I need to mainline some liquefied jellybeans.


OH! Hopkins touched the ball!  Yay!  Give bobby Benson ten more years, and he’ll be the first choice for Mr. Fantastic in the Fantastic Four remake.  Crazy Lanky, he is.

Moving pick, goal for Hopkins from the Shire-trucker.  Home-wood calls.

What is this call?  Offsides?  Again?  Oh, UNC, I see what you’re doing.  Make it interesting.  Ok, I see you.

Carolina with a 3-2 man down string.  Hopkins cannot force a rotation, great pressure man down D.  Doubling on man down – wow.  Hopkins got a stall warning on a man up?  Timeout, Petro.  He’s going to kill someone in this huddle.  **Giggles**.

Does this season force Hopkins to finally join a conference in lacrosse?  There’s no way they make the tourney this year, right?  I mean how many guys can they have on the selection committee?

(Way more than you think.)

Jesse Schwartzman shown glistening in the crowd.  Hey Brian Reese, good news – he’s not eating.


4-3 Hop off the whistle.  No switch on defense for the Heels.  Ugh.

The Tarheel poles throw a LOT of axe checks.  Top to bottom head choppers are apparently totally in vogue at Chapel Hill.  It’s not like I teach every defensemen I have ever coached to NEVER throw that check.

Madalon’s Goals Against Average is 6.15?  Really?  Give up serious rebounds for a GAA that low.  Reminds me of Rob Mulligan in that regard.  Just a pure shot stopper.

Wow.  Top cheeser from Carolina’s Ian Braddish – it looked like it was going roughly 45mph, but when it hits upper 90, I guess it doesn’t have to be fast.  Just kidding, the rook should have saved that.  Didn’t even step the right way.

Another goal that Basset should have saved.  Chris Layne pseudo-rip from 12 yards.  UNC heating up before the half.  It’s 5-4 Heels.

Hopkins’ ride is terrible.  No pressure on anyone but the goalie.  That’s new, does that work?  Do laxbro’s read the “Twilight” novels?

Hopkins is now triple teaming Billy Bitter when he gets the ball. Don’t make him angry.  You won’t like him when he’s angry.

Oh, sir. Sir that was a hidden ball trick on man up, sir.  On your Homewood home field, sir.  You know what I want to see?  I want to see a heart rate monitor on the bottom of the screen for Petro.  I can feel him getting angry through my TV.  Or that’s the gas from the chocolate bunnies.  Either/or.

Chautin with his second goal this afternoon/evening on a lefty sweep.  The slide actually got in the defender’s way to make a lane for Chautin.  Madalon has to get down on that ball.  You can’t bend down and expect to save a low shot in division one lacrosse.  Get down on your step and gobble that gumball.

Timeout Petro.  He’s pointing viciously and it’s scaring me.  Nope, that’s the gas again.

UNC’s defense hasn’t even had a chance to slide on anyone yet.  It seems like they’re just playing hard checking individual defense and hoping for the best.  You’re not going to get to M and T Bank stadium playing D like that.  Even if you have a takeaway guy like Flanagan to base it on.

Kimmel sells the hold to prove my point.  That’s cheap.  You know you can pull your arm out.  Stop yelling at the ref.  I guess that’s what first team All American’s with less than 25 points do, though.

Breschi has an amazing mustache chin beard combo.  He looks like the guy that refuses play by the rules in an 80’s buddy cop movie.  Meanwhile, Pietramala looks like the police chief that suspends him when he breaks the rules.

I don’t play by the rules.

Gem #2 from Dixon after a helicopter check:  He makes helicopter sounds in the replay.  He’s topped by his co-commentator Scott Garceau, who compares the check to “being caught with your pants down.”  I can’t make this stuff up, I really can’t.  This is the definition of entertainment.

Hopkins called for attempted murder on Bitter as he comes around from X – and was ALREADY falling down.  Hey, keep your hands together you thug.  Horrible.

Easy, wide open shot from Petracca.  My vote for the most fun (Funnest? I typed “Funnest” first.  My degree is worth less and less with every column.) name to say out loud in lacrosse.  Go ahead.  Try it.  PETRACCA!

Even with a three-goal lead UNC’s poles are still chopping away at Hopkins’ attackmen.  If you had an All-American midfielder, this would be the time to put him on the field…

This is the most individualized game that I’ve watched this season.  It’s like watching the MLL if the MLL didn’t have a shot clock.  Not a lot of movement on the field for either team off the ball.  It’s…confusing given the reputation of both these teams.

Hey, stop joking about compartment syndrome.  I have that in my Hobbity legs and it’s not funny.

That’s not me. I’m way hairier.

What a great goal from Wharton.  He just scooped the ball and bounced a BTB like he was opening the fridge for a sandwich.  I don’t recall him getting the ball since his game opening goal.  You have to feed a monster like that.  There are too many shackles on this Hopkins team.

It’s 9-6 to start the fourth quarter, but the teams are still playing like it’s the first quarter.  It’s intense, but tentative.  Hopkins is finally setting picks on the crease to get their big guns open.  They can’t seem to get many clean shots off of the action, though.

UNC’s offense clearly has no fear of Hopkins’ poles.  They’re brazenly dodging in and out and spinning the ball with ease.  They’re also taking horrible shots; which is still making me nervous somehow.

These calls for the ball going out are horrendous.  They have ALL gone Hopkins’ way.  ALL of them.  I have a home joke and a wood joke, which one would you like?

Has Hopkins been giving UNC the alley for the entire game?  Why would you do that against a team like UNC that gets half of its goals from its DODGING midfielders?  There is no urgency from the Hopkins D.  I don’t think they have thrown a check in the second half.

Bitter, absent for the entire second half, scores on another drive from X.  Untouched.  10-6…DVR turns off. Yeah, it happens every week.  I know.  I have Comcast; you can’t adjust the time that you record programs.  Plus, you know I have a life and a roommate that deletes everything that doesn’t have “CSI” in front of it.

Right about here is where I wrote a five-paragraph diatribe on the demise of Hopkins’ season.  I re-read it and found it to be far nastier than I intended and thus struck it from the column.  There’s no need to deepen the wounds on the Jay Fans’ souls.  It’s been a rough go so far this year and that should be enough.  The UVA spanking last week was MORE than enough, I’m sure.  Hopkins will be back.

I just realized why I’ve been nervous about UNC’s performance in this game.  They have not impressed me like they have in their previous contests.  They’re losing my #1 vote.

This week.

Today’s Devious Video Recap is brought to you by the fine folks at because I have one of these, and you don’t.

About the author: Kyle Devitte has written for The Boston Cannons, LaxUnited, The MLL, Inside Lacrosse, LaxNation and the New England Lacrosse Journal. He is currently head coach of the Daniel Webster College men’s lacrosse team.

Read all his Devious Video Recaps and relive the best NCAA lacrosse action from 2010.

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