Winter Workout Survival Guide


Time to take the bull by the horns!  We all know that the dark abyss of winter is not the laxiest time of year and that means lots of time indoors refining your game.  Fight off that seasonal depression, future All-Americans.

While some bro’s like to keep the Kate Moss heroin-chic look , for the smartest knives in the drawer winter is a good time to become a gym rat and build up those hurting bombs for the spring by lifting heavy objects and then repeatedly chest thumping.

Starting attackman for Benchwarmer U

But the gym can be full of many unknown dangers and pit falls.  Not only can the equipment kill you but the type of socially awkward and/or deranged people that frequent your local 24 Hour Fitness can be just as big of a threat.

Here is the beginning of my handy guide for things that you’re bound to see at the gym:

– “Really likes to be naked” guy who magically has the locker right above yours.  He sneaks up as you are undoing your lock  and when you unexpectedly lean down you get The Full Monty.  Say hello to James Westfall and Doctor Kenneth Noisewater! The rest of the locker room is suspiciously empty but he always manages to sidle up right next to you.  Like a naked, wrinkly, magnet of uncomfortableness.

Excuse me that's my locker right over there

– Awkward accidental eye contact with another person that lingers two seconds to long.  If it’s a girl this always leads to 3 or 4 extra reps just for good measure. Not always a bad thing.

– Girl on exotic butt cruncher machine that may or may not have any athletic value (but please don’t let them know that) catches you staring from across the gym. (Side note: the skin tight yoga pants are an invitation for the eyes, ladies, so stop acting all innocent. It’s an unspoken contract signed the moment your step out in public. Like the Death Star tracking beacon for men.)


–  Guy working out just a little too hard on the elliptical.  He bit and clawed his way through 15 women to get on that baby and has no plans on leaving.

She's got next

– Bro-Montana who bellows and snorts like a juiced up Brahma bull and may or may not have just finished a cycle of both the cream and the clear.  Minotaur-man also is guaranteed to have grabbed the largest dumbell in the building and will only do one rep at a time.  Also known as the “guido workout“. Great job, bra.

–  Two “Jersey Shore” rejects who hog a much needed squat rack talking and staring the the mirror, fixing their gelled up hair.

I love me some me!

– The “Lone Wolf” doing an intense workout in jeans or random dress clothes.  Science needs to capture him and publish a study for research purposes.  The chafe-age must be brutal.

– Cycling class teacher screaming at her minions like they are gearing up to storm the beaches of Normandy while simultaneously pumping Cher’s “Believe” turned up to 11. “I really don’t think I’m strooooooooooong enough, noooooo!

Did I miss anyone? Let me know in the comments and remember to be careful out there this winter.

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Ryan Craven is a Co-Founder of Lax All Stars and has taken his passion for lacrosse from coast to coast and back again. Contact him at [email protected]


  1. – Guy who doesn't wipe the sweat off any of the benches he uses.

    – Guy who does yoga in the middle of the free weights area.

    – Guy who still uses the portable CD player instead of an iPod (stole that one from a comedian).

    – Guy who spends more time asking other people if they need a spot than doing his own lifting.

  2. I tribute to my Jersey Shore brothers and any other dueshes that you see at LA Fitness
    -The pussy that wears gloves..
    – a belt to do curls or anything other than a max effort squat or dead lift..
    – “it's all you bro”.. as he dead lifts the bar off the bench pressers chest.. (ya sure it was chief)
    – tri kickbacks might be “gayer” than yoga.
    – 300 crunches before and after a workout.. when does the human body crunch? ever?
    – bullshitting or lifting? texting or lifting? Give yourself 1 freaking hour a day when the phone isn't up your ass! If you really have game.. she'll wait for ya to text back.
    – Dudes that look like they are dressed up to train
    – cologne in the gym? WTF!
    – Monday is national chest day. Arms have 3 days of their own..
    – “gotta go my cardio bra, gotta get my cuts” from the duesh with the blowout and orange spray on tan.