Editor’s Note: Justin Meyer and Dustin Maylath-Bryant took a break from the competitive madness at the 2018 FIL World Lacrosse Championships to have a little fun. This article is meant to celebrate the fun natured spirit of our game and the uniqueness of the community. We hope you enjoy!
The 2018 World Championships have come to a close: the gold medal given, the awards awarded and the torch passed to Coquitlam, British Columbia, for the 2022 edition.
But one vital question still remains on the forefront of everyone’s minds: what about the mustaches?
The mustache is a crucial ingredient to any successful facial landscape. It’s the Mesopotamia of masculinity, the Plymouth Rock of puberty, and the Magna Carta of men.
With such importance, it’s only natural we provide you with a collection of some of the best the World Championships had to offer, adding international flavor to an international icon: the mustache.
We used our Mustache Metrics™, the first-ever recorded usage of advanced analytics in the world of mustaches, to help break down each of these dirt squirrels. There are six categories: personality, versatility, shape, wow factor, uniqueness, and degree of difficulty.
Every mustache receives a score out of five for each category. The ratings are then combined to create a Mustache Composite, the ultimate score for the overall strength of the mustache in question.
Let’s discuss.
Mustache Metrics™ – Global Edition 2018
Party Rocker
Personality: 2/5 – When there’s a bar fight, you hope this guy is on your side because otherwise you’re taking a wooden chair to the temple.
Versatility: 0.5/5 – The only thing he could do with this is shave half of it or dye it a neon color. We vote neon.
Shape: 3/5 – The shape is certainly interesting. It’s symmetrical, and it looks like you could ski down either side. Somehow this owner has managed to grow two right triangles next to each other on his upper lip.
Wow factor: 3/5 – “Wow, that looks like DoodleBob drew it.”
Uniqueness: 5/5 – This is the only kind of Mustache that makes you look younger.
Degree of difficulty: 0/5 – After careful examination, we cannot conclude whether or not this is authentic facial hair or black sharpie.
Mustache Composite: 13.5/30
Welsh Rabbit
Personality: 5/5 – This is a guy you want to be around. From his cheesy smile to his headband holding his receding hairline in place, you know this is the sort of man you can call a chum. But it wouldn’t be complete without the squirrel burrowed on his upper lip.
Versatility: 1.5/5 – With a lack of thickness and straightforward style, there isn’t too much here that could be played with. The owner is doing the best with what he has.
Shape: 2.5/5 – This mustache fits perfectly between the owner’s dimples, a great indicator of a quality shape. However, it’s working on a 2-D plane. It’s flatter than the earth.
Wow factor: 2/5 – The whole package holds serious wow value, but this competition is strictly about mustaches. For as great a mustache as this is, it doesn’t make us say, “wow, that’s a great mustache.”
Uniqueness: 2/5 – Again, if we were rating the entire look, it would be much higher than two. However, as this is a Mustache competition, we have to keep the rating low. There isn’t too much about this squirrel that deviates from the norm. When a 13-year-old draws a mustache in art class, this is what it looks like.
Degree of difficulty: 2/5 – The only requirements for a mustache like this are puberty and moxie. One point for moxie.
Mustache Composite: 14.5/30
One Trick Pony
Personality: 4/5 – This is a slithery man. He will walk up to a circle of people, stand among them as though he’s in the conversation, but never say a word. Lust laughs, often at inappropriate times. The mustache works in perfect unison with the owner’s hair.
Versatility: 1/5 – Nothing else can be done with this. If he grows it out, it will look bad. If he trims it, it will also look bad. This is his only option.
Shape: 5/5 – This is the hot dog of mustaches. The length of the owner’s upper lip means the mustache must stretch to unimaginable lengths, and yet here we are, enjoying a perfectly-sized dirt squirrel. The width of the Mustache contains an abundance of character.
Wow factor: 2/5 – Most of the wow here comes from the nature of the owner’s mouth more than the mustache itself. This is the kind of Mustache you see and want to look back at, but can’t… because you’ll feel bad.
Uniqueness: 2/5 – It’s not unique, it’s just impressively long.
Degree of difficulty: 2.5/5 – An average man’s mustache on an above-average length mouth. However, the sheer size of surface area the owner possess means the mustache must work overtime to fill every corner of the upper lip.
Mustache Composite: 16.5/30
Live, Laugh, Mustache
Personality: 5/5 – What do you think when you see this mustache? You think goofy. You think erudite. You think this is a man who has seen the world and knows there’s humor around every corner.
Versatility: 1/5 – What you see is what you get. Not much else to it.
Shape: 3/5 – There’s nothing incredible about this shape, but it’s more than dirt. There’s symmetry there, and you have to give it credit for going beyond the lip.
Wow factor: 5/5 – The man, the myth, the mustache. This is a head turner without a question. The entire mystic surrounding this mustache brings one word to mind: “Wow.”
Uniqueness: 1/5 – This lip luggage isn’t too imaginative. Really just standard stuff here.
Degree of difficulty: 2/5 – This is the first mustache any man with facial hair capabilities has. There’s a point there for bring wax-free and the silver fox look, but let’s be real: this isn’t tough to grow.
Mustache Composite: 17/30
How Ya Doin’
Personality: 5/5 – Hyman Roth is alive, he’s real, and he was at the World Championships. There’s nothing but personality in this mustache. When paired with the chest hair, a dynamic duo is formed that can’t be denied.
Versatility: 2/5 – What you see is what you get. You can’t do much with this mustache that isn’t already being done. There is some thickness there that could maybe mean a different mold is possible, but with the focus in the center of the lip, it would be awfully tough.
Shape: 2.5/5 – There’s some symmetry, but where this mustache is weak is at the top. Near the nose, it’s strong, but the further it moves from the nostrils, the more it thins. There is beauty is bucking from the norm, but only so much. Almost villainous in the right light.
Wow factor: 3.5/5 – On its own, this mustache isn’t too remarkable, but when combined with the entire look, that’s when the “wow” comes. Even still, this fine fur would catch your attention in a public place no matter the accessories.
Uniqueness: 4/5 – It isn’t often to see a mustache that starts from the nostrils. The center-heavy style is a callback to the early-1900s, which we can certainly respect. You should always pay homage to those who came before you.
Degree of difficulty: 3.5/5 – Some attention to detail is evident with this mustache. Certainly there is a level of grooming necessary to keep your upper lip looking like this. Not anyone who can grow thick facial hair could pull this off.
Mustache Composite: 19.5/30
Barnyard Buster
Personality: 2/5 – There’s some personality that shines through with this mustache. The owner is likely a fun guy who can laugh at himself, but at the same time, that’s a lot of people. We’re afraid this owner has a mustache just to have a mustache. It’s not an extension of the man, and that’s concerning.
Versatility: 3/5 – There’s a lot of hair to work with this, even overcoming the top lip. But it grows like a forest, and there’s only so much grooming that could be done. The volume of hair looks nearly impossible to contour. Lush indeed.
Shape: 3/5 – This one is difficult to rate. While the shape is impressive and awe-inspiring, it’s not well maintained. This Mustache grows at its own rate, which doesn’t bode well for shapeliness. Part luck, part genetics.
Wow factor: 5/5 – If you see this mustache out in the wild, you sit and you stare. You tilt your head, you walk around the room, you do whatever you can to take in every angle of this caterpillar. Regardless what this guy does in life, his mustache is the star.
Uniqueness: 3/5 – Fairly common mustache, uncommon swagger. There’s a lot of lip coverage here, which helps despite its otherwise standard form. You don’t often see mustaches than umbrella so far over the lip. You have to respect it, especially in its young age.
Degree of difficulty: 4/5 – As you can see from the owner’s mostly hairless chest, this mustache has time invested. Sure, not everyone would have a tough time growing a similar stache, but you also have to take context into account. This is impressive on its own merit.
Mustache Composite: 20/30
Here For the Good Times
Personality:4.5/5 – The slight smirk contours the mustache in a way that hints at some sort of mischief. This mustache is an extension of its owner.
Versatility: 4.5/5 – In the photo, the downward curl at each lip corners is apparent, meaning mustache could be groomed in any direction. Its owner has chosen to stay traditional, but if he wants a change, the possibilities are endless.
Shape: 5/5 – Butterflies are beautiful because of their symmetry. The same can be said for this upper lip sculpture.
Wow factor: 4.5/5 – This mustache requires a double take. The red contrasted with the pasty skin really makes this fur pop.
Uniqueness: 2/5 – This is a very traditional look. It works well, but you’ve seen it before.
Degree of difficulty: 2.5/5 – Any bearded man could have this mustache with grooming. While we appreciate the hormones necessary to produce facial hair with this level of thickness and quality, it’s no Picasso.
Mustache Composite: 23/30
Open Road
Personality: 5/5 – This man means business. Through this fu manchu, you can tell its owner rides his motorcycle when he isn’t acting as a mob boss’s silent henchman. This mustache tells a story.
Versatility: 4/5 – There’s a clear thickness to this foliage, meaning its owner could groom it in any number of ways. The fu manchu is the current design he has selected, but at a moment’s notice, he could alter his whole aura.
Shape: 4.5/5 – The shape is nearly perfect, with some slight symmetry issues and a lack of angles holding it back from perfection. But otherwise, there’s not much negative you can say about his crumb catcher.
Wow factor: 5/5 – Double take? Nay, triple take.
Uniqueness: 4/5 – Fu manchus are on the rise but still a rarity in the facial hair community. You have to give credit for the color and thickness.
Degree of difficulty: 2/5 – Fu manchus give a false sense of difficulty, when really all it takes is shaving the shape. Mustaches novices may be fooled, but not professionals.
Mustache Composite: 24.5/30
The Ringmaster
Personality: 5/5 – Everything from angle to thickness provides an insight into this owner’s mindset. He plays violin when he isn’t busy at his day job as part of a mariachi band. He is as enthusiastic about life as he is his facial hair.
Versatility: 5/5 – This is the Swiss army knife of Mustaches. It’s a Dali on the rise that can do anything it set its furry little mind to.
Shape: 4/5 – There’s plenty of points here for the end curls. However, the lack of perfect symmetry keeps this mustache from a perfect score.
Wow factor: 3/5 – The mustache is a 5/5 for wow factor, but this member of your local barber shop quartet let his scruff run amuck. Any Mustache critic knows this will harm reactions.
Uniqueness: 4.5/5 – You can count the number of curls you see like this in your entire lifetime. Nothing more needs to be said.
Degree of difficulty: 4/5 – Again, if there were no scruff, this would be higher. There’s nothing difficult about not shaving. However, you cannot deny the patience required to obtain this lip cap.
Mustache Composite: 25.5/30
Golden Lip 2018
Personality: 5/5 – The face of a young man, the mustache of 70-year-old. You can’t teach a mustache like this. It can only be earned, not bought.
Versatility: 5/5 – The possibilities are endless with this masterpiece. The weight and girth of this mustache is perfect. Its owner could do anything and still impress.
Shape: 5/5 – If I asked you to draw a lip slug, this is what you would draw. There’s complete coverage from the tip of the nose to the tip of the lip. No skin is left unprotected.
Wow factor: 5/5 – This mustache is unparalleled in modern times. Sure, 400 years ago, men were growing face furniture like this. But, since the invention of electricity, men have chosen to spread the facial hair across their skin planes. This beauty is turning back the clock in all the right ways.
Uniqueness: 5/5 – As described in the wow factor breakdown, this mustache is a timeless classic. You simply don’t find facial artwork like this anymore.
Degree of difficulty: 5/5 – It takes a special kind of man with a special amount of hormones to possess the ability to grow a full-coverage face mop like this. Don’t try this at home.
Mustache Composite: 30/30
